Jerks

There’s about 7 billion people in the world and let’s say about half are female. So, now we’re talking about 3.5 billion females. Let’s assume that an Ignoranus will find 1 out of 1,000 or 0.1% of all females to be attractive. The reason I’m using 0.1% is because all females include babies to senior citizens and everyone in between. I’m sure the figure is much higher than 0.1% but we’ll use it in this example. Okay, now we’re looking at about 3.5 million women that an Ignoranus will find attractive. Within the course of an Ignoranus’ lifetime (between 70 – 80 years), he’d be damned lucky to have seen 100,000 beautiful women let alone 35 times that number. Now, I’m talking about real flesh and blood women that he’s seen in person. Pictures don’t count because of pornography and the internet. The Ignoranus would have exceeded those numbers by the time that he’s a college senior. The point being is that it’s physically impossible to have seen every “hot chick” on the planet before he’s dead. “The grass is always greener on the other side” or “the bush is always nicer on the other side,” according to the Ignoranus. Like a rapper once said, “A girl is like a bus, another one comes along in 5 minutes.”

the eye

Picture a woman with the most amazing body. Swimsuit models and Hollywood starlets come to mind. So now you’re thinking, if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. How much variation between “perfect breasts” or “perfect asses” could there possibly be? The answer is not much. But the most interesting thing to note is that it doesn’t matter. Why? The Ignoranus wants to see a woman with a “Barbie” body and interchangeable head. Even though the bodies can be identical, looking at just one is not enough. All of these images must be captured and stored for the future.

Wandering Eye

It’s as natural for the Ignoranus to look at beautiful women as it is to breathe. Asking him to stop looking would be the equivalent of asking him to stop eating food or drinking water. The mind of the Ignoranus is programmed in such a way that it needs visual stimulation in the form of sexy images, which would explain why porn is so prevalent in our society. These images are captured in the brain for future use. What future uses you may ask? Well for starters, these images come in handy when he’s alone in the bathroom with a bottle of hand lotion and a box of tissues. They also come in handy when he’s on top of you and wants to finish up so he can watch sports on television. Yes, it’s true. Fantasy can be used to take the edge off of reality, because frankly, the reality can suck sometimes. No offense to you. In fact, the Ignoranus will start scanning the room even if he’s with the most beautiful woman in the world.

Ignoranus

You can call it the “Wandering Eye, Elevator Eyes, the Lustful Eye” or any other catchy phrase that you can think of.  All of these terms mean the same thing.  The Ignoranus will most certainly possess this characteristic much to the dismay of his wife, girlfriend, or significant other.  This behavior will often be displayed in crowded settings such as bars, restaurants, malls, or anywhere else where one can find hordes of the fairer sex.  There’s not even an attempt on the part of the Ignoranus to suppress his desire to ogle the “hottie” in the micro mini.  Your icy stare will do little if nothing at all to prevent him from doing it again.  Countless arguments later and the status quo has remained the same.  Why is this happening?  It doesn’t even matter if you’ve graced the covers of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition or the Victoria Secrets catalog.  The Ignoranus will have the “Wandering Eye” and here’s why.